Heavenly True  Stories

 Love and forgiveness is the answer for all we go through to heal.               

When you want to learn lessons from your life , do not give any guilt to anybody for anything that is happening in your life. The only way to understand the lesson is to ask inside, "What do I have to learn from this event?" Sometimes the worst situations are only coming our way, to open our eyes and to get us to look deeper than only the visible circumstances.

 Ann's Stories 

This is the beginning stages of a book Ann is beginning to write,  I hope you enjoy this sharing as much as I did.

INTRODUCTION

- Any answers we receive,
Can help another with their destiny. -
Ann M.

In this book, is a mystery that I still at times feel, "WHAT DO I HAVE TO TELL THE WORLD, THAT THE PEOPLE IN IT DO NOT KNOW ALREADY?" Then the answer to that question comes back in many ways. That is when I see again and again that the things that I have seen, heard, learned, and felt inside me are answers to  many questions that have been asked about.

In the pages following this introduction are memories from my life; they are also from dreams/visions that were shown to me as a child, from people whom no one else saw. In these memories, are the conversations I had with an angel, two men and a woman, whom I was told was my, Nana. These were not physically in this life. My childhood was not an everyday fairy tale childhood; it was a very lonely, hurtful life back then. Then there were my other friends I could talk with my dog, a crow, and a squirrel. Then there are things I called pictures as a child, yet now know were visions that I saw as I just felt the beauty of the trees around me. All these and more were natural to me and there was no fear in any of it. That is not until, people put that fear in me and started to call me crazy. This was only the beginning. For many years, I had totally blanked this out, until my mind, and my body could not take any more. These memories just crept up on me during one of the many very trying times in my life. As I look back now, I see that my childhood was normal in God's eyes. It was what I needed to learn to help me do His Will.

I know that we are all searching for answers in our lives, and I know that we do not have all the answers; but I know that we can all help each other find those answers. It has taken me some time to feel inside that what I am going to share, may be an answer for someone else. In my life, I lost an awful lot of self-confidence because of the things I was taught, and also, because of people telling me I was crazy. To me, my childhood was a mini classroom, the beginning of real higher education that was not to come until later in my life. God supplied in my childhood, what I needed to guide me to where I had to be. So I guess you could say that this book is my learning process, progressed to a higher phase. A phase, I am willing to share with all, even if they think I am crazy. That no longer bothers me, as I now see how all that so called craziness helped me learn about God's work, myself, and how it can actually help at least one person in the world.

The following chapters contain my life. I have tried to feel inside just what the best way to express this would be-as it happened or how the people involved affected me. I chose to write it the way it happened because to me the process is more important, as the people involved. I feel that people should be able to see not only how things affect us in our lives but, how messed up and confusing life can be at times for others too. I have come to see that what we give to the world from our hearts is what affects the world in many ways. Mostly we teach what we have been taught because we trust in others.

When we get older, we understand we too have a voice inside. And we realize that most of our frustration is because we did not know we could listen to that voice, so we felt frustrated, confused mentally and it affected us physically. I found this to be the case with me. But then I also see that it is just this maturity in us that makes us search for answers, because it fights to come alive. When we realize that it is all part of the process of understanding life, we will not feel so crazy no matter what any one else may say. We realize that this is part of their process in life because someday they too will surely question things. Most of the people, who believe some are crazy, have matured outwardly in the material world, but inwardly they too still need to grow. I have seen that I have grown inside and now have to go out in the world to grow even more, but with my insights, and my knowledge that was given to me from above. And that is what I am striving for now.

In my life, when I have searched for understanding, I have had to really push my mind to understand what I read and sometimes what people said to me. I have tried to figure out whether it was because I shut my mind down, which I did do, or whether everything written was too intellectually written for me to fully comprehend and therefore, nothing was gained. Now that I have fought to find answers in my life and have found some, I can go back and read the books again or understand what people were saying. So I am going to try my best to write in a language that everyone can understand and hopefully they will. I do not have a fancy college degree, nor do I have all that literary knowledge of words. This I believe is what was meant to be. I learned through my heart and life experiences, but mostly from unseen helpers. They are the ones I am setting my sights on.

It all started in my childhood, but what I learned in my childhood, I have now been able to use as an adult, to connect with past lives, and of a place that I call Heaven, because it could only be called that. I can also look back and see that those people from past lives have been in my life since my childhood. I have learned how what I was taught as a child, from the people that no one else saw was the things to help me see how life works, how there is much more to the past than most people realize. And how we can help each other instead of hurting each other. I was taught about forgiveness, love, understanding, compassion, how to help people less fortunate than myself and to be a friend. I was shown how I could feel the hurt in other people and understand them. I was also taught about the respect of the earth, some of these things I never heard people talk about openly until I was much older and even the mother I lived with was surprised at some of the things I said and did. There was never a time when the people I saw taught me something that I would question, it all seemed normal and natural to me and I felt at peace inside with it. I did not question any thing. That is until I was told I had to respect what the adults said. Also to then do as I was told. (A saying I have learned to dislike very much, because I learned first hand that children really do at times know more than some adults about the true ways of life). That is until they are taught to hide that knowledge and bury the real person they are inside away someplace where no one can take it away. And what happens is the child grows up to be a very confused adult and more so than their parents had become. Why? Because the real person they are is hidden inside somewhere because of ridicule. And it is a shame that God has given all of us our own special personage and it gets buried under all the confusion. And that is a sin taught to us.

I felt much lower than other people did in our society because I had no real education. People made me feel ashamed of who I was. I was not allowed to receive charity or help from others, so at times in my life when help was offered, I refused it. (This is another thing I was taught by adults) I was told so many times I was crazy, that I started to believe it and ended up at a point where I felt like a body with no mind, because I too was one of those children who pushed the real me deep inside in safety. (At least I thought it was safe at the time) Now I see that I have a mind and it is mine and if I do not use it as a tool to help me, I will not get it from the society out there because most people do not think like I do. I have always, since I was a child wanted to help other people in any way I could and I do the best I can to do just that. Some people in my life still call me crazy, but I feel that if God took me back to my childhood and showed me what happened to me and it helped me feel better inside and outside and I am trying to be the best person I can possibly be; then as a friend of mine would say: "SO BE IT".


I have felt something in the pit of my stomach for so long that told me help other people; I tried to go to college. At one, point in my life I did go back to school for psychology and never finished. Some people said I was stupid for quitting, but it just did not fit the belief I had inside. They told me that I was smart and could go somewhere in life if I wanted to. A little voice inside of me pulled me one way, the teaching in the physical world another and they fought with each other. I knew what I wanted to do but did not know where to find the training I needed to help people in the way my little voice inside was telling me to. I did however; get a degree to be an Administrative Secretary. I felt that at least this was helping someone. But that just did not take care of what I felt inside. I liked psychology, but I did not agree with what was taught. That created a problem for me, until I came across Jung's books, which brought back childhood memories. And many more than those memories came also.

I know that society is becoming much more open-minded, so I feel that I can mention some of the other ways I have been shown that what I feel inside is not all that crazy. People and the techniques they use have come into my life. (To me they were a confirmation of what I was taught and felt inside. They made me feel like that little child did inside and it tickled me pink because of it.) Those were the ones I was told, as a child was wrong by some people. But I see now that these were a part of my past life also. This I know because of dreams the people, whom no one else had seen, showed in my childhood. So I see it as if it was a part of me in past lives, and it has come into this life, there is a reason for it and it is okay to except the teaching. (I had no clue of what reincarnation or resurrection was until 1999) Besides it was another way for God to help me learn. In the bible, it says God would not give you more than you can handle and to me he uses all the teachings that are available, not just a chosen few. Somewhere, I read once that you do not have to except the full religion, but to take what you need and leave the rest. This is sort of what happened to me and I was not looking for it. What was needed from different religions just appeared to me in many forms.

By 1990, I was planning how to end my life, something I am very glad did not happen. A very dear woman came into my life then and became a friend I would end up losing shortly afterwards, but left me with an awful lot to think about. We had the same birthday, which might not seem like much, but as a child the woman who was my Nana told me about her coming into my life and when she did it would start changing-and it did.

I was ill in 1994, and woke one morning I heard a man's voice say, "When you feel up to it, get up and find a pen and paper and go sit at the kitchen table." He also, said, "When you sit down write what comes to mind on the paper." I did just that and what came out was a complete surprise to me - poetry came out. Not by me thinking it though, it just flowed out of me and I was very surprised by it and by what it said. I questioned why this happened and I could not understand what it was saying to me. But later it started to come to me that those poems talked about my past, present, and my future, and every time I read them, I get a different understanding. Some people that have read them cried and some people think it's nuts and some people openly understand the hurt I have felt in my life. To me those poems were not just for me. A few months later, pieces of the dreams from my childhood started to come back; but I did not remember them until two years later. I didn't remember them in full until a couple of years later. I believe that the dreams I had were not just for me, also. To me it was to share with others and only recently I had a realization that my inner feelings were true. Also, other people and things I have read seem to be telling me the time to write about it all is now. And all of the previous mentioned takes me to the reason for the book.

I believe, that I am here on earth to show people that there is hurt, pain, misunderstanding in their current lives from things in their past lives and this life.(As are so many others) This I have learned to has do with mistrust, hate, misplaced knowledge, unfairness, cruelty, and many other things that need to be changed in this life.

I believe what I have gone through was to teach me about life. (As my friend told me once, I was not very street smart. To me it meant "earth" smart.) I believe it was to help me make a better world where I stand and a better life next time around. One of the major concerns of life is the fact that people do not really understand what "LOVE IS". But the biggest thing is the fact that there is a God and he does not send us to be punished, only to learn and to correct and to respect each other no matter what color, nationality, age, religion, etc, etc, etc; just as the bible says. Only people seem to think that killing (physically and mentally) is one of the things they need to do and that is not what God would have us do. I feel that the people, who kill others for whatever reason, have had dreams or other things happen around them or come to them to show them what not to do. I believe that people kill each other mentally also, by what they teach to hold inside as not right. (When I speak of having a body with no mind, I am saying I pushed so much inside and would not let my mind think of it growing up that my body was dying. From 1979 until 1991, I looked much older than I do now. So mentally and physically I feel more alive now that I am excepting ME the real person I am inside.) There are many ways to kill the body this I know to be true. I saw that when I shut down inside, I shut down my feelings, my thoughts, and my life just to save me from hearing how crazy I was-funny, but that is what made me feel crazy and lost and it made me want to die. Not now though, I have learned how to shut out what the world thinks of me and focus on what "I" think of me. I think people misunderstand just what the dreams and the things happening around them are really for. I think they have been so mislead in their religions or family heritage that they cannot see that what is shown is what has happened in past lives and this one and needs to be corrected. I have also seen that sometimes what we have been shown is not for us at all, but for us to help others with. Sometimes we have to see and feel what it is all about in order to help others. I think and feel my life was all about just this.

When I questioned times when different religions came into my life, a poem came to mind and before I start the story, I would like to share it with you.

SOUL'S AS ONE

To all the people out there, who are afraid,
To really find out why human life was made,
Try the search and you will see
How much happier your life will be.

I am still setting my heart in the "LORD'S DIRECTION",
And I know I'll never make complete perfection,
But all the love that I am learning
Is making my heart stop all the yearning.

There are people out there in search for love
And don't know that it can be found in the "LORD OF LOVE".
He may not be physically on this earth,
But in your soul you will find His Worth.

There is calmness, in all His Teachings.
He gave me love for which, I am reaching.
HIS SPIRIT OF LOVE taught me to move along
And now I sing a different song.

When all the souls can become one
All the evil will come undone.
So, if you let your spirit reach,
You'll find a way that you can teach.

September 10,1994




The previous poem was written long before I even realized what I was about to go through. At the time, it too, made no sense to me except where it speaks about all the souls becoming one; that part just hit home in my heart, for whatever reason, I have only just learned a couple of years ago. But still something inside told me I knew what it meant.

Now some people would say, " They are only children, what could they possibly know?" Or, "What could a child possibly know about LOVE?" Then they are surprised when a child says something they do not understand themselves. Then say, "Now how could you possibly know that only an adult could know something like that." You know adults even have the nerve to say, "Because I am the Mommy that's why." As if, a child has no feelings as to what they would or would not like to do. (I am not talking about children running rampart about doing whatever they please. I am talking about their inner feelings and their choices. The ones I feel an adult should acknowledge and then help the child find the knowledge of just what right and wrong from a choice would be.) Really, how many people talk to their children like they don't have a brain at times. With my children, I tried to always take their feelings and thoughts into consideration, because I knew how I felt as a child. I may not have hit it on the mark every time, but I tried. If my children got into trouble, they knew why and I gave them the chance to see what would have happened if they had done it differently. I gave them time to sit and think of what they did opposed to what they could have done. And amazingly they often came to me and told me they saw that if they had done it a different way they would not have got into trouble. I tried to help them exercise the brain they had instead of shut it off. I made mistakes too with them but I did what I felt was the right thing at the time for them. So no I am not perfect, just learning still. The reason I mentioned the above, is to help you see where I am coming from when I tell you about my childhood. We do in fact teach those children what and how we live is the way. They can use their brain, or shut it down because of the confusion they feel inside. Are they allowed to have feelings or understanding within themselves? In other words can they have it safely without being ridiculed? I guess the biggest question I have is: "Do we want them to have their own lives that are lived as they need it to be and not feel guilty for doing so?

In writing this book, I want people to know that there is not judgment placed. That is not a right I have been given by God. I am simply stating the things that happened in my life and how I dealt with it. There are also the people who helped me deal with it and how they affected my life. Every one has a right to express who they are and this is who I am. The person I was sent here to be. If telling what I have been through hurts others, it is not my intention to do so. I feel that what I went through, what I learned, what I felt, what I saw, was to help other people as much as me to see what the reason we are here in this life really is. If I am putting my life in jeopardy, then that is something I will have to live with. I believe that God would have it this way. If I am to work for God then I have to listen totally to him. And that is from within.

I grew up in a family with five other sisters and three brothers. There was always some thing happening, but I still felt so alone inside.


THE HEAD INJURY

One day, when I was around four, my sister was holding me on her shoulders looking into a mirror. The mirror was placed in the kitchen and there was maybe about three feet between the counter and the stove, which faced each other. My sister was telling me how cute I was and she was showing me in the mirror. I remember I got excited at seeing myself in it. She started to play with me and I lost my balance and fell backwards onto the top of the stove. It was not a stove like today's stoves, it was one of those old cast iron stoves that burned kerosene. I must have been knocked unconscious (or conscious as the case may be) because I do not remember anything until I heard a man's voice calling me. He kept calling my name and saying it over and over again. He started to yell at one point. He then said open your eyes and look at the light. I did not do it at first and he said it louder. I remember opening my eyes and seeing a light above me it was very bright. He said look into the light and you won't feel the pain. I could feel them touching my head and it felt like they were taking things out. I heard the doctor say something about the brain, and I remember I thought they were taking it out. He said they gave me something, but it was not enough and if I looked at the light it would not hurt. He told me they did not realized that I could still feel the pain. He seemed upset by what I was going through. He told me that if I looked at the light, I would not feel the pain. While I was looking at the light, the man continued to talk to me, but I do not seem to remember just what he was saying. Upon waking up, I did not feel pain. I sat up and the doctor told my mother that I had to stay there because of the injury. I told him I did not want to stay and that the man said I would be okay and I could go home. They said I had to stay. The man was still there. He talked to me in my head, and I could talk back to him in my head. This all seemed natural to me. He said tell them you are okay and can go home. They laughed at me and said that I had a real bad injury and had to be watched. The nurse gave me lollipops and said it would be okay and I told her I did not want them I wanted to go home. The nurse also said it is a shame we had to cute her beautiful curls. I had blonde naturally curly hair with banana curls. The doctor was surprised that I was walking around and said he did not understand that I should have a horrible headache after the head injury and what I had been through. He asked me if my head hurt and I told him no. He said that I had to stay there for a while and if I still had no headache after a certain amount of time, I could go home. I remember we just hung out and I went around talking to all of the people there as they came in. The man told me I could help people while I was there. I went up to people and asked them if I could get them any thing and I even got some water or a book. I remember the nurses said it was okay for me to help her because my mother got upset because she said I was bothering people and they were sick. The people said it was okay and they appreciated it. So I was a nurse for the day helping the sick. When the rescue came in I would stand at the door and watch. One came in and they said I could not talk to that person as they came in. The man said the person had a heart attack and was very ill. I was sad because of that. I do remember that my mom was not too happy because she had to stay around there I heard her say to the doctor and nurse that if I was okay to run around, then I was okay to go home. He said he still had to keep me there for a certain amount of time any ways. My mother called my brother to come stay with me and I remember her saying that she had to be late for work, because of me. And why should she miss work because of someone who was not her real responsibility. When they finally was letting me go, I remember the nurses and doctor said something about me being remarkable and they said if I was ever near the hospital again to come in and say hello. When I went home, I remember my sister was in big trouble for having me on her shoulders. No one was allowed to put anyone on shoulders after that. I was glad about that. (To this day, my stomach churns when I see someone with a child up on shoulders. For years, I thought they had taken my brain out. At least, until someone told me that if they had I would not be able to think. That made me happy to know I still had a brain. But I think they should have taken into consideration that I should have been told what happened. But they figured I was a child I guess and you know what they say, children do not know anything. Yes, I did not know they could not take out my brain, but if they had told me what they had done, I would not have walked around for four or more years afraid. And if I was allowed to have my own feelings
and was able to speak up and get answers to my questions, I would not have feared brain loss. This helped me to be aware that children do know things, feel things, and they should be taken into consideration. )


FEELING LONELY

He told me that if I helped my mother with my two younger twin sisters, who were babies at the time, I would get to spend time with her and it would help her. I asked my mother if I could help her and I went to get the diapers for her she said that she did not need my help and that I should just go play . I remember it hurt my feelings and as I walked a way, she said I was a big girl and I could take care of my self, I didn't need anyone to take care of me and I should go find something to play with. She would not let me help her and that hurt as I loved my mother and my sisters. I remember that was when I started to go to visit my grandmother all the time so she could watch me while my mother took care of the twins. I remember I asked my grandmother why my mother did not love me and she said that she did. She said my mother just had her hands full with taking care of the two and a third was too much. She said for me to never be angry at my sisters because they got so much attention and I told her I would not because I loved them so much. They always stayed with me. She told me that it was okay though because now she got to spend time with me and I could play with my cousins. I do not remember at that time playing too much with my cousins, but I do remember the time I spent with my grandmother. She had beautiful long gray hair and she used to let me brush it all the time. I sat there for what seemed like forever just brushing her hair. She would talk to me and let me look at her things. There were chicken coups out in her back yard and she had chickens in them and when they laid eggs, she would let me help her gather them. She also let me help feed the chickens and when I went it was a job I could do to help her. They had roosters too, and one day , there was a man there (I do not know who he was). He told my grandmother he was going to get a rooster for dinner. He said I could go with him and she said that she did not think a child should see that he said it was okay. We went outside and I laughed as he chased the rooster around the yard. It was so funny watching him falling and chasing. Then he finally caught the rooster and he took it over to a tree stump. I watched as he laid the rooster across the tree stump and I asked him what he was doing. He said that he was getting our dinner. What I saw next, to this day still sends shivers down my spine and also turns my stomach. The tied the rooster to the stump and chopped off his head. The rooster got away, and it was running around without it's head and blood was going all over. I screamed and screamed and screamed. He told me it was okay that that was what they did. I however, did not want to hear that. I became afraid that he would do that to me, I ran into the house to my grandmother still screaming. She started yelling at him for showing me that part. My feeding the chickens and getting eggs ended that day too, because I felt bad for them. After that I also did not want to go back to my grandmother's house. I told my mother that I would just stay at home and play in the yard out of her way.

The man who talked to me still did and I used to go out in the yard and sit by the hours next to the shed we had. He would play with me by showing me the different things in the yard. The dandelions, the trees, the clovers, he told me that I could be a doctor and play that I was mixing up medicine for people. I remember I did. I even used to take some for myself. There was these things that grew in the yard, and it had small green things on it that looked like pills. I made believe they were and ate some. That spot next to the shed became my sanctuary , my chill spot, and my place to talk to my friend.

We had rabbits in our back yard in a coup. I used to go out and pet them and talk to them all the time. I remember the man said something about the rabbits, but I can not remember what it was. One day, my mother said that they were going to have babies and I had no clue what that meant. The man told me that it was like my sisters, but they would look like their mother the rabbit. One day, I walked out into the yard to check on the rabbits and there were some funny looking things all on the ground. I started to cry because I thought they were mice and that they were trying to eat the rabbits. I ran into the house and told my mother that the mouse was trying to get the rabbits. She came out and looked and laughed and said that is the rabbit's babies. I told her they were not. The man said yes they are they do not have hair on them when they are born. I wanted to help pick them up but my mother said I could not because then their mother would kill them. She said she wanted to put finer screen on the bottom before they came and forgot. So they fell through the holes. She picked them up with a cloth. There ended up to be so many babies, she said that we had to get rid of them. She ended up getting rid of them all, my friends the mother and father, too. I felt another lose inside that day.

One day, my older sisters came out with a camera and started taking pictures of me pushing the twins carriage around empty. I told the man I wanted him to have his taken with me and he said that no one would see him even me. He told me to get the doll to take a picture with me, I did. But I told him I still wanted him in it with me because he was my friend. He said okay that he would stand in back of the doll. Today, that picture is in my possession. When I received it, some things about it spoke to me. I was a little bit older now and he told me to ask if I could push the twins around the yard. My mother said no, but my sister said that she would help me. So my mother said it was okay. I remember I was so happy that I finally could do something for the twins. I was just beaming inside when they came out the door carrying them and put them in the carriage.

That feeling never left, in fact it instilled in me a feeling for doing things for others. I started to want to help everyone. There was an old man that lived next door who I used to help all the time. He was old and we used to talk all the time.
My friend used to tell me things to say to him and he would be amazed at what I said. My mother told me to leave him alone and stop bothering him, but he told her that I was not bothering him he enjoyed my company. He told me I was welcome in his yard anytime I liked. He said however, there were kids in the neighborhood who would not be allowed. I eventually talked him into letting some cut through his yard, but then they did something and he said no more. I have a picture of me standing in his yard too. My friend was there too. His wife used to invite me in for cookies until one day she died and I felt sad.

Then one day I was sitting near the shed and a little girl came out in the yard in back of us. She was the same age as me and my friend told me to ask my mother if she could come over and play. My mother did not seem to like the idea, but did ask if she could come. Her mother said yes, and put her over the fence. I finally had a patient for my medicine concoctions.
.


MY BROTHER WHO WENT TO HEAVEN

When I was a little girl, I loved music and I just could not sit still when I heard it. My twin sisters seemed to have the same thing because they too danced. But I had a brother who was about sixteen when I was around four, who was always sick. He was always lying on the couch or in the hospital. We used to dance for him when he was home and he used to smile. I remember my mother taking us to the hospital when she went sometimes and we would sit in the car outside the window where he was. When we saw her in the window, we could get out of the car and say hello to him. We were not allowed in the hospital.

When he came home sometimes a girl would come to see him. She always, made faces at me and when I told one her, she said she didn't do it. This went on until I started to chase her with shoes and throw them at her. This also ended up being the first time I received punishment. I was not too happy. She still continued to do it though-she just loved to harass me. But any ways, one day I was dancing for my brother and he smiled and started choking. Then blood started to gush out of his nose. I started screaming and my mother came running. She made us go upstairs. The next things I knew was a rescue squad came to the house and they took him away. My mother came home and she was crying. I heard her tell the others that he had died and gone to Heaven. I wanted to go see him, but she said I could not. She did take me to his cemetery plot later. Where I learned how to pray, because I asked her what she was doing and she told me she was praying and that she could talk to him that way. Every time she went afterwards, I went too, so I could talk to him. I missed him so much, even though my older sisters would think I did not know him. He had small sheep dog named Lucky that always stayed at the people across the street's house. But I would go to go see him. They even let me pick pears from the tree that was in their back yard. My friend always knew when they were ready to be picked and he would tell me when to go over there and ask if I could get some. One day Bert was surprised that I knew they were ready and said I was learning. He did not know my friend had told me they were ready.


ANGEL IN THE LIVING ROOM

Since I could remember, my oldest sister was always the one who tucked me in at night and she would lay there with me until I fell asleep. That was about to change. She got a boyfriend and after I fell asleep she could go out on a date with him, but my mother would not let her go until I was asleep. I heard her say one time that she promised to help her with me and it was her job to put me to sleep. (Through our heads, not out loud) One night I felt very hurt because my sister said something about always having to put me to sleep. It hurt because I loved her so much and I thought she did not like me anymore. She had a date that night and was going to be late, I remember I made believe I was sleeping so she could go. It was scary because it was the first time I was alone to go to sleep. But I made it.

I remember when she was dating her husband, he had a pool table and my parents bought it from him and put it in our living room. Every one would come over and they would all play. I could just about touch my nose to the top of the table and had a hard time seeing.

One day as I walked from the kitchen into the living room, I heard a voice speak to me and I turned around.


VISITS WITH MY NANA

Well I made it through the head injury. My friend was still there talking to me and teaching me. And though I missed my brother, my friend assured me I could still talk to him all the time. One day, he told me that maybe I should go back to visit my Nana. I wanted to because I missed her so very much.

She was so happy that I went back to see her. I went back to brushing her hair for her, but this time she seemed to need to take naps while I was there. One day, she took a comb out of her hair and said that it had to go in her secret place. I asked her what she meant, and she put her hand up to her lips to shush me. She made a gesture for me to come over where she was. She went to her hutch and opened the draw, and she reached underneath and was looking for something. She finally said there it is. Then all of a sudden the draw opened but not all of it. I thought it was magic. She said that no one knew about her secret draw and that she put things in it that she wanted people to have someday.
She told me that my mother was going to have the hutch someday when she was no longer here. She showed some of the things in it and there were some papers that had all of our names on it. She said that those was for us when we were older. She said my mother would know what to do with them. She said that there was something else there for me too. I remember she said that the hair comb was for my older sister and that she already knew about it. She then said she had to lay down because she was tired. She told me I could play with the brush I always used on her hair. She had told me that when I got older to always use that kind of brush and my hair would be beautiful. It was an oval shaped brush.

The next time I went she gave me money to buy a bird. It was hard, but after many try's my mother finally agreed to take me to buy it. We went to the pet store and I looked around my mother's patience was running low and she told me to hurry. The man who talked to me, told me to look in back of me. I did and I saw the most beautiful bird I had ever seen. It was a solid yellow canary and I instantly fell in love with it. My mother was glad. When we were walking out of the store, she told me not to open the cover or it would fly away. Well as she closed the door to the car, I could not resist looking at my beautiful new bird. As I peeped in the box, it flew away. I cried and she yelled at me for peeking in. She told me that if I had listened I would still have it. She said my Nana was going to be mad, but I said no she wouldn't and maybe she would give me more money to get another one. My mother said she wouldn't because she did not have enough money. The next time I went to my Nana's house, she asked about the bird and I cried. She said she could not afford to give me more money, but I should look at it this way; the bird was free and not locked up. And that was how birds were supposed to live. From that day on, every time I saw a yellow bird I remembered what she said and it also made me remember her. The time I spent with her was shortened and I could only go for a little while.


THE LADY'S VISIT

One day while I was playing, the man told me to go into the house. I told him that I did not want to. He said that I had to because some one was going to call. I sat in the kitchen and sure enough the phone rang. He told me to listen it was someone I loved on the phone. I did. I heard my mother say, " When are you coming?" And she turned and saw me there and yelled at me to go outside, what was I doing sitting there listening to her conversation. I went to go outside, and the man said stop and I said I had to go outside. He said go outside, but don't go so far, stay on the steps so you can still hear what is said. So I did. She went on to say I told you I do not want her here because she always starts. I heard her yell to my dad that my older brother was coming home and wanted to know if the lady could come. My father said he did not care. My mother however, continued to say she can come as long as she does not start anything. And if she did she was out. I was so happy that my brother was coming home. I couldn't wait. What happened next still makes me feel a coldness inside.

It seemed like eternity went by, but the day came when he came home. I was so happy to see him. We were all out in the front yard and then my mother said hello to the lady, but not in a happy way. She turned and went in the house. I followed her and then my brother carried the bags in the house. When he put them down, he turned and said come on we will go outside and you can see the lady. When I got to the top stair, she said to my brother, look she has hair just like mine. I used to have blonde curly hair with banana curl too. She started to cry. Then the lady told him that he should go get the camera they bought so they could take pictures as a family. I stood there looking at her. She had on a pink outfit and a pink hat. And she had blonde hair. She then said the surprising thing. She said, "Come over here and let me hug you." I did not move, but just continued to stare at her. She then said, "I am your real mother and we are here to take you home with us so we can be a family." I said I have a mother and turned around and ran in the house. I ran up to my mother and she said what is wrong. I told her what the lady said and she became very angry and yelled for my brother. She told him to get her out of here and she is not to ever come back. He went upstairs and brought out her bags. They stood outside. My friend told me she is your real mother. He told me to go sit in the next door neighbors yard. I went and sat in my friend the old man's driveway. No one knew I was there. The lady started crying more and said to my brother, "You said it would be okay. You we would be able to take her home with us." He told her to quite down as I would hear her. She said she did not care I should know who my real parents were. They started to talk lower and the man told me to move closer. I did and I heard her say that when she signed the papers to let my mother have me while they traveled, he said it would be okay and I would be given back. He told her that she wanted to be with him, so that was all he could think of doing because if anything happened to me she had to have the right to sign for me as they would not be there. The lady cried even harder and I felt so sorry for her-I could feel right down into my bones and my heart hurt for her. He turned and went into the house and my friend told me to follow him. I did and he went to my mother and said, "Why won't you give her back to us?" I heard her say that she had stuffed her stomach to make herself look pregnant and what would the neighbors think if she gave one of her children up? { My friend could show me pictures in my mind and he showed me it was true. I saw her stuff a pillow under her shirt. Then I saw my older sister walk into the room and my mother said what do you want? I heard my mother say to herself, great that is all I need for people to know that I stuff my pants to look pregnant. I do not even know how big I should be right now because they have not sent me any pictures of her. } A taxi came to pick them up and that was the last time I saw the lady around that time. A couple of hours later, my brother came back. My mother said, "T hat was fast what did you do just drop her off at the airport?" He said, "No. I took her to her family up north in the state." My mother said, "What do you mean? You met her in Georgia." He said, "Yes, but her family and her are from here." My mother said, "Great now I have to worry about her coming around and her family."

My friend sat and talked with me after all this happened and told me to close my eyes. When I did he said the lady is your real mother. He told me to watch and listen. As I watched, I saw a man yelling at the lady. More like he was screaming at her saying, "What did you do with the baby?" She told him she left the baby with her fiancées mother. She cried more. She told him that she would not let her have the little girl back now. And won't let her near her. He asked her if the baby was okay and she said yes. Then she asked him why. He said I told you not to go near him. He then said he is my son. She cried more. Then he said are you sure the baby is okay and she said yes. Then he told her that he had some money and would try to get the little girl back. It might seem not so bad that the man was her fiancées father, except her mother was his half- sister. They had different fathers. So it was only her cousin in blood by one fourth. And lo and behold, I am healthy.

My brother stayed with us and I felt some happiness inside. Until one day, he got an envelope in the mail. My mother gave it to him and he said a lot of good this is going to do me. He turned and went upstairs and my friend told me to follow him because he was hurt. I went upstairs and sat on the floor in front of him, he was crying. He said these are not any good to me now. He said that the lady wouldn't even talk to him never mind marry him. He looked at me and said he was sorry and that he loved me. After that I went downstairs and heard my mother say to my father that my brother had got the papers in the mail today from Germany for his divorce from Elsie. My friend told me that he was waiting for the papers so him and the lady could get married. My father told my mother that he would have to find a job and a place to live because he already supported too many kids. Again, my friend told me to listen to what she said to my brother. She told him that he knew that my father was not his real Father. He should not have to take care of him. I know that my brother felt so hurt inside he did not care. He signed up for another term in the service. And I did not see him for a
A couple of years. I often thought about him and the lady and when I did I felt sorrow inside.



BACK TO VISITS WITH MY NANA

I still played with the little girl in back, but I missed my Nana too. I started to go to see her again after my brother left. I could not wait to get back to the hair brushing. When I walked in she always said here is my Little Angel. I could hear peoples thoughts at times and I heard my mother say more like the little brat. I did not think she liked me much. My Nana told me she had missed me brushing her hair. Well now that I was older, I was allowed to go to play with my cousins at their house that was across the street and through the woods. My Nana told me that they owned all the property from her house to the next street and she even owned the street at one time until they took that from her to put the street there. The was a little house that was empty between the two house and there was some woods. Me and my cousins would play in the house sometimes and then we would get into trouble. To us it was a doll house. One day my cousins were not at home and I asked if I could go outside. My Nana said I could but not to touch anything. I decided to go to the little house. When I went in there was a man there and he told me not to be afraid that he was my grandfather. I had not thought of being afraid. I was a friendly sort of person. He told me to come sit and we could talk. We talked and he said they won't let me near you because they think I will hurt you. I would never hurt you. He even cried. There was a long shelf there and he told me to come over there. I did he laid down on the shelf and said come here I won't hurt you. He told me to lay next to him and put my head on his shoulder. I did. He just laid there rubbing my head and saying I would never hurt you. I know who you are now and I know you are not the same person from the past and I would never touch you because I know it has to be this way. My Nana called me and I went to leave and the man said he loved me. When I went into my Nana's house, I told her that I saw my grandfather in the house. She said I do not have a grandfather living. I said yes I do he was in the house. There was an old man at my Nana's house and I said that he looked old just like him. The man went to the house and found no one there. She called my mother and then the police came they went into the house and I saw them take the old man who said he was my grandfather out in a white jacket. I cried and my Nana said that the police came to take the man back to the Medical Center he had escaped from there and they were looking for him. After that I was not allowed to go near the house and not much later they tore down the house. Then one day I went to see her and she was in bed and said I could not stay because she was sick. I remember she gave me a Cinderella watch and told me to always tell the people I loved, I loved them because someday they may not be there to tell them. She said she had made that mistake once with someone she loved and they never came back. I told her I wanted to start going to church because the little girl in back did. She said that was good because angels always go to church. She told me she went to church, too. I was surprised because she never talked about it. She told me not to tell anyone because they did not know. She told me what they taught her there and that she went with a woman who lived near me, but do not tell my mother because she would not like it that she went to a church other than Catholic. That was the last time I visited my Nana. I kept getting told she was ill and I could not visit. I told them to tell her I loved her. Then one day, my mother was crying talking about going to see Nana to my sister. She told my sister that she guessed she was old enough to go. I said I wanted to go and she said I was too little. I cried because I wanted to go see my Nana so much. My friend told me to tell my mother something I do not remember. He said if I said it she would let me go. I said it and she said I guess it would be okay as long as you sit still and do not make any noise. That was when I found out she had died. I was going to the store with my mother that day and as I walked towards the store, I noticed my crystal had fallen out of my watch. I cried because I thought my Nana would be mad. I had a box I kept all my special things in and I put the watch in it and never wore it again. That afternoon, we went to the funeral parlor and when I went up to the casket, I prayed and cried because my Nana was so cold. I had not gotten to tell her I loved her before she died because she was ill so much. My friend told me that she was okay she was with God and my brother who died and other family members. My mother sat down and she was crying and I was crying. My friend then told me not cry she is happy now. He said that I would know she was in Heaven when I saw a smile on her face. He told me to tell my mother that and when I did she scolded me and told me not to talk. I just sat there watching and watching. Then it happened I saw the smile. He said tell your mother. I said she would get mad and he told me no she won't when she sees it. So I did and she said I told you to just sit there. I told her to look at my Nana she is smiling and now she is in Heaven. She looked and said my God she is smiling. To this day, when people I love or know die, I watch for the smile. And you know what it does come.


THE DOGGIE SURPRISE

With my Nana and my brother gone, I felt lost. It started to seem like every one I spent time with and I loved was leaving me. My friend was still there though and I went back to sitting next to the shed. Just looking and feeling the world. Then one day he told me to ask my mother and father for a dog. My mother actually seemed to feel bad and said kids should have animals and she just sits outside all the time by herself. My father finally said only if it stayed outside. I wanted it to live inside, but my friend said he was right animals live outside all the time. A couple of days later, they came home with a dog from the dog pound. It seems strange that for some reason I do not remember what I named him. I do not even know if I ever did. When I went up to him he said that he had made them pick him because he wanted to be with me. He told me that he was part German Sheppard and wolf and that I should not tell anyone because they would kill him because wolves were supposed to live in the wild. He kept telling me to promise him I wouldn't tell. I said I wouldn't. Now I had two friends to sit with me and talk. He would just sit there and stare into my eyes and I understood. I could actually talk to him and he talked to me. But not out loud it was in our heads that we talked.

The dog used to howl at times and mother hated it. She said that when animals did that it meant someone was going to die. He said people believed that when a dog howled and the moon was full people would in fact die. He told me that it would mean something different for me. He said do you remember the dog is part wolf? He said that they did it to mate too and that when they had babies they did something too. I asked him if my dog was going to have babies because he howled and he laughed and said no. He told me that girl dogs had babies and that they were called bitches. He said go ask your mother about it. He also said that when I was older I would do what the dogs did. I asked if I would be a bitch too (now some people would not agree with him there) and he laughed again and said not only dogs were called that, but I would have babies. I asked him, what about when the dogs bark and he said when mine barked it was because he wanted to see me or tell me something. He said wolves talked and called to each other that way too. One day a couple of weeks later, my dog was barking and my friend said he had something to tell me. I went out into the yard and my dog told me to tell my mother that he was sick and if he did not get help he would die. and I ran into the house to tell her. She said how do you know? I told her and she said dogs don't talk. Well the next day, my mother was fighting with the dog to get him in the car. I was laughing at her. She said you think this is funny and I said yes. She looked at me and said he is sick and I have to take him to the doctors or he is going to die.

The dog looked at me and said he did not want to go because she would not bring him back. He said, " Make her promise to bring me back and I will go. If she doesn't agree I will stay here with you and die because I want to be with you." I looked at my mother and she said so what does your dog have to say? She was smiling because she thought it was funny that I thought the dog could talk to me. I told her what he said and she said okay I will. He said no tell her to promise. I told her and she said this is silly. Then she said okay I will make sure I bring him back. I said nothing to the dog. He looked at me and said then I will go with her and just jumped in the car. Boy was she surprised and said how did you do that?

When they came back, she told me that the dog was going to die because he was sick. The dog got out of the car when she opened the tailgate, and went right over to his corner. I went to tie him up and he said it was true he was sick and he was going to die. A couple of days later, my mother called me and said something is wrong with the dog. I went out and he was just lying there with his eyes half opened. I called to him and he did not move. I started to cry. My other friend came and said that I had to bury him. I called to my mother and said that the dog was dead and she said that she would have to take him to the pound. My friend said no I had to bury him in the yard. He told me that no one else could touch him except me. I heard him say that if anyone else touched that dog, it would pass the them instead of me. I was so used to him talking, I never thought of asking what would pass to me. The man even made a remark about how he never saw her cry. My mother finally agreed and I got a shovel and started digging the hole. She stood in the door watching me dig and said I will come and help you. At that time I could hear peoples thoughts and I heard my mother say, "My God I can't believe she is doing that alone that dog is so heavy. The man said tell her no. He told me I had to do it by myself. After I was done digging, I went into the house to get something to wrap around him and she said I will help you lift him onto it and into the hole. The man again said, she can not touch the dog, only you can or it will pass to her. I wrapped the dog and picked him up even though he was heavy and put him in the hole. I think that was the first time I ever saw my mother cry. The man said I had to put a cross on the grave and pray. I found wood and made a cross and put it on his grave and kneeled and prayed. Every day I went outside and prayed for the dog. The man said now all we have to do is wait for something to happen. He said while we were waiting, because it took a certain amount of time, he would teach me some more things and talk with me.

My father used to quahog out on the bay for a living at that time, too. They also worked for the Shellfish Company down the street and packaged different kinds of seafood in the shed I always sat next to. I used to go in and watch them, I was a very curious child and wanted to see. The man told me I could eat some of them raw and they would be good for me and help me in some way. At first it was not appealing to me, but my twin sisters ate them so I gave it a try and it really wasn't so bad. And I learned a lot about shellfish.

There was an old woman that lived next to us and the man told me that I should go ask her if I could help her do something. At first I did not want to because her husband was always yelling at my dog and staying things I even saw him throw something at the dog once. But because the man asked I did. She let me help her cook and clean. She always had treats for me too for helping. Something we did not get much of at home. The man showed me a spider one day on her porch, he told me to look behind her chair and I did and told me to tell her to be careful with it there as if it bit her she would get sick. He said when I was older, I would learn something about spiders and their webs and what they stood for. I went in the house to tell the old lady and she laughed at me and said that thing has been there for a long time and never bit me. Well a couple of days later, I went to go to her house and my mom said I could not go because she was not home. She said she was in the hospital because a spider had bitten her and it made her sick. I told her that the man had told me to tell her not to touch it for that very same reason. She said what man and my friend said she does not see me or hear me. I could hear him, but , I could not see him neither. I just thought it was normal and everyone could hear him. Well the old lady was in the hospital for a couple of days and when she came home I wanted to go see her and my mom said no. But then I saw her on the front porch and she was looking right where the spider used to be in his web. I went over to talk to her and she said I guess the spider on the porch wasn't such a good idea. I said I told you not to touch him and she said she forgot that he was there and reached in back of her chair to get something and he bit her. She said she did not think it would be that bad. The man told me something about that kind having something in him that did in fact make some people very ill and told me to never touch one of them. I was glad she was okay though and she was home. My mother called me and told me to come home as I was told not to go over there and the old lady said it is okay she can help me. I did too, I got her drinks, food, picked things up for her, and got her book for her.

Another day when I went to go to visit the old lady, my mother said I couldn't because she was upset because her husband had died, I had seen the rescue take him out the day before and I remember the man told me to pray for him because he was very ill. He said he had a heart problem. After all the people had come after the funeral, I wanted to go see the old lady and talk to her because she was alone and I was told no. But then later she screamed for my mother to come over. When she went I went with her but I hid in the parlor so she would not see me. I heard the woman tell her she was sitting at the table and the hands on the clock went around and then back to the right time. She said that it stopped at the exact time her husband had died and went back. My friend said it was her husband and he wanted her to know he was okay and he loved her. Now I wasn't so smart because I was always getting myself into trouble for not listening (my friend seemed to help me there), but I got up and went into the kitchen and told her it was her husband and what my friend had said. She smiled and looked at the clock. My mother however, was not too happy with me and she yelled at me and said I told you not to come over here. My friend the old lady told her it was okay that she could use a little company because she got lonely. My mother went home and I got to stay the old lady made me tea and gave me cookies. We sat at the table and waited for the hands to move. Then they did and she looked at me and said did you see that? I said yes, because I did. She said I am not alone then he is still here. She smiled again. Later that night, my mother told my father what happened and she said I think Peggy is losing it. I looked at her and said no she isn't it did happen and I saw it. She said great now she has you seeing things too. She told my father and she thinks some man talks to her and tells her things, too. She said there is no man and I said there was and I did see the clock move and she told me to go to my room. OOPS, trouble again. After that my mother would not let me go over there. But I could still talk to her out the door. The old lady had some rhubarb growing outside her back door and the man told me to ask her if I could have some because it was good for something. He said to only eat the stalk because the flowers would make me sick. I ask the lady if I could have a piece to eat and she said it had to be cooked that she made pies with it. The man told me to tell her what he said and that it was okay for me to eat the stalk part raw. But be sure I did not mention the man. She gave me some and said I could have it anytime I wanted to, but make sure I saved some for her for the pies. I said I would. The next day she brought me over a rhubarb pie and at first my mother would not let me eat it. I told her I ate the rhubarb outside all the time and it did not make me sick. She then said I could eat it but had to save some for the others too. I fell in love with rhubarb pie that day.

My mother started a garden in the in the spring and it was now cranking out the chow. Well I thought it was chow , because I now had snacks for my quiet time near the shed. That however, did not last too long when my mother found out. She used to grow vegetables to preserve for winter, which were good too. She had a little room she used to keep them in. That started to be my little punishment room. Until one day she caught me opening the jars and eating the pickled tomatoes and cucumbers (my favorite). But lo and behold that room soon became off limits for me. I was glad because it was dark, but sad because it meant no more pickled tomatoes and cucumbers for me. My friend told me it was okay maybe I could collect soda bottles and by the pickles at the store they were good too. The next day, when I went outside I was looking for my friend and I found him in the garden. He was kneeling on the ground and I laughed at him and said he looked silly. He said he was taking the weeds out of the garden and bugs that ate the plants so that my mother's vegetables would grow healthy. He told me that maybe she would even teach me how to can them as when I got older I would have to do something like that too and I should learn how to mix things just right. He said that I could help her with weeding and he would keep the bugs away from it. I was glad he choose the bugs, because I did not like touching them too much. He said she had a lot of things to do and if I helped her with it, it would be nice. So I said okay and I got down on my knees and he showed me what to do. Well guess what my mother was not so appreciative as he thought she was. She yelled at me and told me to get away from her garden and don't go in there again. She had told me not to talk about the man anymore because he was not real so I could not tell her the man told me to do something for her. Now it seemed I was forced to start lying about the person I talked to all the time.

The bottles ended up being a good idea and I found someone to walk me there to buy pickles. Until one day, I found out I could also buy paper dolls and soda and candy. The man told me that if I drank soda, to always by root beer, ginger-ale, or sarsaparilla , or cream because they had stuff in them that would be good for me. The pickles too, still would help me with something. When I went home the first time with the paper dolls, I got into trouble for buying them. The soda was not as bad. The candy did not a cause happiness neither. I got yelled at for wasting money, but then she said I guess it would be okay for you to buy what you want because you are using the soda bottles. I was happy when she said that and had everyone collecting them for me even some friends in the neighborhood. At least, until they caught on to what I was using them for. The man who owned the store even started to save me his bottles. So as they say for every bad thing, there is a good thing. I got kicked out of the garden, but found something else to make me happy. It now became a punishment tool though and when I was bad I could not go-or at least when I was thought to be bad.

Well the man and I used to met outside all the time, and when I left, I always had to go through the gate and around to the front door. I remember one Thanksgiving, I was going in to eat and my friend told me to eat some for him. I laughed and said he would not get it. He told me he always loved Thanksgiving dinner and ate like a pig. He said so eat some for me. I said I would and left. When I came back to the yard, he was always waiting at the gate for me. I asked him how come he never comes into the house with me and I can't hear him in there. He said, "Remember, I told you that something had to happen with the dog first." (I heard him think, I can't wait to be in the house. Then I can see what goes on and teach her about it.) Then he said, "Wait it should be close to being done. I'll go check. Wait here." I sat down and waited and when he came back he told me they said it is almost time. He was always talking about how something in the things I ate would help the process, what ever that was at the time I did not know. Well the day came and it caught me by surprise. As I went down stairs, he talked to me. I was so surprised to hear him in the house. I said, "You are in the house now?" He said, "Yes, that someone, he said a woman's name that I do not remember, said it was okay for him to come in now." I remember I told him his voice sounded different and he said it was because of the change that was made. (Right now in my life, I can't help thinking that there were two men because I did hear a man's voice in the house when I was younger before the dog came.) I was so happy because it was boring in the house and I missed talking to him. After that he could talk to me in the house and outside. He started to teach me more things too. When we got down stairs, he told me to go over to the television and look at the candles my mother burns. He said votive, leave it to your mother to burn these. He told me that she burned those for people who died. He said that inside she knew why she burned them but in this life she might not. But, he said any ways at least she is burning them. He taught me that she burned them for the souls of the dead so they would be safe and find God's light. Later, I asked her why she burned them and she said one was for my brother who died, my Nana, and other people she loved that had died. He told me that if I look into the flame I could see them. He said maybe I could take one upstairs and I would be able to see him too. My mother came in the room and I asked her if I could and she said no that is all I need you setting the house on fire. My friend agreed and said she is right you are too young right now, but when you get older you can do it. I sat by the hours downstairs for awhile just looking into the flame to see if I could see him. One day he said, look at that picture, it was a picture of my brother who died and when I did the picture talked to me. I told him that and he said that was me I can talk to you through anything. I just put me in it. But to me, he looked just like my brother. Those were my first in house lessons. Sitting here writing this, I realized that I saw the man, but he did not know I did at that time. I noticed no difference at the time.


MORE CHANGES ON THE WAY

We have been through about three years now since I received the head injury. And it just seemed like all the people or animals that gave me some happiness were gone or away. Though I had been bored and unhappy at times, the changes still came.

When I was finally old enough to get ready for school, my friend told me to ask my mother if I could go to a Catholic school. He said I would learn a lot about God there. My older sisters had gone there and I wanted to go too. My mother said that it cost money and she did not have money to send me there. My friend said she can get the money from someone. I told her that and she said maybe she could. Well my older sisters put the fear of God in me that day. They said that the Nuns were mean and that they hit you with rulers there if you were bad. My friend said I did not have to worry I would not get hit. I told them that and they laughed. I kept thinking about the ruler-what was it and did it hurt. My friend kept telling me I would be okay to go. He told me what a ruler was and said that they got hit because they always got into trouble there. He insisted I wouldn't. My mother told me she got the money to take me there and that I would be going to see the place first. I remember it was St. , the same school my sisters went to. The man wondered why she did not send me to one closer. The day we were going, my sisters teased me and said watch out for the rulers and laughed. When we got outside the school, I cried and did not want to go in. I never went to Catholic School.

Well my oldest sisters boyfriend had little brother that was my age and my sister took me over to his house sometimes to play. When the big day came that every child looks forward to was about to happen to me, I found out he was going to school too. He was going to be in the same school and I just assumed he would be in my class. I thought that would be great because I would not be alone. Well he ended up not being picked for my class and I cried. I had to go to the other one. I was so afraid and cried. The principal came and took me out of the class and took me to her office. She said I had to stay in that class. I said I did not want to. She said then you will sit in this book closet until you want to. I thought she was so mean. I sat and cried all day and my friend said that it would not be too bad after I met some of the other kids, but I was too afraid. Well the next day I had to go to the office and the principal asked are you ready to go to your classroom and I said I do not want to. This went on for a couple of days and then when I got ready for school one day, my mother said that because I was such a little brat, they would not let me go to that school. She said I was going to another school and she had to pay for it so I better be good. Well on the way she talked about the school and said now you can go to school with babies because you want to be one. Yep, there was babies there. There were other little kids too, but they were all smaller than I was. I cried. And she said too bad you are staying. My friend said it won't be so bad, you can help the teacher with the other children and the babies. And that is just what I did. When my mother came they told her how good I was and she laughed and said you should live with her. They said I was still good there and I helped them out. They said that I did not need to go there. She said I did. Then one day, my friend told me to tell the teachers that I did not want to go there anymore that I wanted to be with my other friends. He said my other friends missed me and that though I could not be in the same class, I could still see them when we went outside for recess. He then explained what recess was and I was happy. They said they told my mother that I did not need to go there and she said I had to. One of the teacher told me that maybe if I told my mother I wanted to go back to the other school, she would let me. I did and she said no. When I went back to school, which was a nursery school, I did not have fun anymore and just sat there. I remember hearing the teachers talking about how happy I was before and how helpful I was with the kids and that they would miss me when I did leave. They said something about me having a hard time with my mother understanding me. Well I woke up brave one morning and got dressed and my mother asked me what I was doing? I told her that the teachers said I could go back to the other school now. She said no. But then she said okay I will take you back there, but you better be good or I will send you back with the babies. I was just glad to be out of there so I said I would be good. Well at least be good in the sense that I was me. I helped the teachers and the other children when I could and that made me happy. I got to spend time with my other friends outside and they were curious as to where I had been. I still did not like the principal. I think she started the mean teacher school way back when. But God blesses her, and so should I. She did it the best she knew how. Though I remember my friend said she did not belong working with children that she had problems of her own. But she never liked me this I knew because every time I saw her she yelled at me for just walking the wrong way. One day, she was coming out the front door of the school, and there were kids there who were fighting and I was trying to stop them. She saw me there and started yelling at me for nothing. I tried to tell her I was stopping the fight, but she just got angrier at me and started to come down the stairs after me. The man said watch something is going to happen because she is not paying attention. I turned and looked just as she missed a step and fell. I asked him how he knew that was going to happen and if he did it and he said no she was not paying attention. It is her fault. She yelled at me and said it was my fault she fell. I ended up having to stay after school for a while. She broke her leg and came in on crouches. Then a couple of weeks later, we were told she was giving up being the principal and we would have another one soon. Boy was I relieved.

With the school problem solved and me being okay with it now, I wanted to go to church with my friend that lived in back of me. The man who talked to me said that was a good idea. I asked my mother and she said no at first, but then she said she supposed it would be okay. I said good then I can go to church like Nana did and see God. She said Nana never went to church and I said she did. She got angry at me and I remembered what my Nana had said. That my mother did not know she went. So I shut up while I was a head. She said that we all should go to church to make our first communion. She made other sisters got to go too. They however, were not as happy as I was to be going. In fact they skipped many days and went down to the beach instead. I was appointed as the one who would tell them what happened in case our mother asked what happened that day. I was not too happy with them because the did not want to know about God like I did. I went to church every Sunday faithfully. I was disappointed though when I went to church, my friend who was my sisters fiancée was not in church. When I went to school the next day I asked him how come he was not there. And he said he did go to church, but to the white one across the street. That made me sad and he said that he would ask his mother if he could go to mine. They said no. But later they did let him come because he did not want to go to his anymore. He wanted to be with his friends. But he could only come at certain times. I couldn't wait until I made my first communion and was able to go upstairs and be with God. My friend told me that when I went to church, I could feel God. He said that he was all around me and he was even in the people though they did not seem to understand that. He said when you go just sit with your hands over you face and no one will bother you because they will think you are praying. He said I could talk to god there and pray for others there and he would hear them. He told me to just feel God when I was there and not to think about the other people there. To this day it is just what I do when I go. The Stations of the Cross that lined the outside aisles in the church took me in. I sat there all the time just looking at the man and thinking about the pain he was in and how he was treated. I felt sad inside for him. To this day, I still feel the hurt inside when I think of Jesus and what he went through just to show people there was a God who cared. He told me that the man they hung on the cross was not God, he was his son. He said God was in him, but he was not him. When I asked people or the priest, or the nuns, or even my mother, they said it is God. My friend said they do not know the man on the cross and it was okay that when I was older I would learn who he really was. Beside going to Sunday school, my friend started to teach me about God. One day he told me to meet him out in the yard and when I did he told me to close my eyes and just feel God. He said that God is everywhere. He said he talks to me everywhere. He is in everything and everyone. He said that God was even in my dog that died and that was how he talked to me. I went around the yard touching things and asking him if God was in those too. He said yes. He said I could feel God in them. I told him I did not feel anything and he said that is God. He said God talks to us differently. But he does talk to us. He taught me how to say, " God is above me, God is in me, God is in front of me, God is in Back of me , God is to my left and he is to my right, God goes through me. God is all around me." When we got to that part in Sunday school, I was tickled pink. He showed me how I could feel God and he became my teacher of God, too.

Well at Christmas one year, my sister and her boyfriend announced that they were going to get married and asked my parents for permission. He gave her a diamond. I did not understand it all at the time, but was soon to find out. When the day came for them to get married, I had no clue what it meant. But she never came home after that and I started to feel like she no longer loved me. When she came to visit, I used to beg her to let me go with her. She kept saying the place she lived now was too small for anyone else. I felt rejected and miserable.

Well the next thing I knew was that my other older sister was getting married, too. They both seemed to be the ones who took care of me because my mother was always busy with the twins. When she got married I was on my own. Although, after a while, I was allowed to sleep over both of my sisters houses.

My older sister's husband at the time brother and I played together, went places together and just hung out. To show how I was not using my mind very well, or rather was not taught how to determine certain things, I had no clue how to use it at that time, and I will share a story about this friendship. Well one day I was visiting my oldest sister and she just happened to live across the street from her husbands parents, so I got to see my friend. One day she was babysitting him too, and he asked if we could go over to the house to get something and she said yes. When we went he seemed to get an idea while we were there. He asked me if I wanted to play a guessing game and I said yes. Though not to sound stupid, I had no clue as to what a guessing game was. Even as a child, I seemed to only be able to feel things inside opposed to actually see what something concrete meant. Well he turned on a burner on top of the stove and said guess, which one is on? Well me not knowing what to do, just put my whole hand down on the burner to see and guess what I got it right the first try by feeling it inside. Boy, did that hurt. I ended up losing some of the skin from my hand, which became a part of the burner, I just screamed it hurt so bad. I ended up with third degree burns on my hand and had to wear a bandage that looked like a boxing glove. It took a long time for it to heal and I had a long time to learn just what thinking and guessing was all about. My little friend did however make up for it in a way he told me daily he was sorry he did not think I would touch it. Plus, he carried my books and papers, etc. to and from school. We had to walk just a little under a mile every day-no rides for us. Luckily, my hand ended up to be fine. I guess this is where I realized growing up how I would always check the consequences for doing something first without thinking. And why I tried to teach my children how to weigh the difference in doing things. In other words, think before you do.

My sister's new home, was small and I could not sleep there, but she let me visit her sometimes. Mostly, I think because my mother had a fight with her one day and said that she had promised to help her with me. So my sister agreed to take me over for visits and I could go over after school with my friend and play. One day we were out in the street playing ball and I heard the most beautiful music. I asked him where it came from and he said that the woman down the street played it all the time. He said it was piano she was playing. I asked him to show me and we had to sneak because we were not allow to leave the front of the house. When he took me there, I felt taken in by it. I loved it and after that, I used to sneak to listen every once in a while when I was at my sister's house. When I was older and could walk home by myself, I would sit and just listen to it. I used to fold my legs and put my head on my knees and just feel the music flow through me. It was an awesome feeling. The little boy told me that he was going to play music like that in school. I wanted to play it too. I asked and was told we could not afford it. Then when I was still a little older, they taught musical instruments in school. My friend said it was a good idea for me to learn. I talked with the teacher about it and told her how I wanted to learn and that we could not afford it. I told her that I really wanted to play the piano, but she said I would have to learn something easier first. She told me that they had free instruments they let children use. I told her I wanted to play the violin. They did not have one. Then I decided I wanted to play a horn, they did not have one. But however, they did have a flute. I took it home and my mother was furious with me. She said I had to take it back. That I could not do it in the house because it would disturb my father. I gave up the idea.

But somehow I did not think it would disturb my father because he was hardly ever home. And when he was, he was always listening to music. I told him how much I loved music and he told me I could use his stereo and his records if I promised to take good care of them. I was so happy. I told him I would. Only thing is I had to carry it upstairs all the time. Then one day he told me I could just leave it up there and if he wanted it he would come and get it from my room. I think I wore out his records. He used to watch Lawrence Welk, and the Mitch Miller show and I would go to watch it with him. I would dance and sing the songs while the shows were on. But I always went back to the woman's house.

Being out with the other children at school and in church was fun for me. I liked talking to them and helping them when I could. One day, when I went to school there was a little girl there and she had on a brown outfit that looked different to me. I asked her what it was and she told me that it was a Brownie outfit. She explained to me that her mother was a leader of a Brownie group and that they had a meeting that day. Then she told me what they did and said that maybe I could be one. That day after school she showed me where she lived. I thought it was funny because she lived right across the street from the church I went to every Sunday faithfully and sometimes alone at six years old. When I went home and told my friend he said that was a great idea. I went to ask my mother and she said I couldn't because she had no money for the uniform or the dues they had to pay. Or the book I would need. I was very sad at that. The next day, I saw the little girl again and she said she asked her mother if I could join her group and she said I could. I told the girl what my mother had said. Then the next day the little girl told me that her mother said that it would not cost much as she had old uniforms and books from other girls who left the group. She asked me where I lived and I told her. Her mother came to see my mother and they talked about it. When she left my mother was not happy with me. She said I suppose I have to let you go seeing as how the woman came here. And she said she had the things you need and you did not have to pay the dues. So I became a Brownie and I was happy, except for when they collected dues and I could not pay any. Then the girl mother one day, handed me some pennies and said here is your dues. I said I could not take them my mother would be mad. She said it was okay she had checked with her. After that she always gave me pennies to put in. She seemed like the nicest person in the world. One day my friend came with me to a meeting and we were singing , Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold. He told me to always remember that song as it too would have the same meaning for me someday.

He later would teach more about sayings. My father showed me a trick with walnut shells one day, the one where you put something under the shell and guess where it is. My friend showed me how to do it. He said I could guess every time if I paid attention to his hands. And that I did do. Then he said there is a saying that goes along with three monkeys. He told me the saying and said that the monkeys were named, "Hear no evil, speak no evil, and tell no evil." He told me to remember that because it would help me be a good person. I tried all my life to live by that. Though sometimes it was hard to ignore what others said at times.

The little girl who lived in back of me and I became good friends all through school and around home too. One day this boy said something mean to me and I got angry at him. She said I should not talk to him any more. She said she was my friend and she was not ever talking to him again and I should not either. When I got home my friend asked me why I was so sad and I told him what happened. He said that I should not be mad at him because he probably did not understand that what he said hurt me. He said that I should talk to him even if I just said hello. He said when people are mean sometimes they don't mean it and if we are nice to them even thought they are mean to us, we just might teach them something-like what being nice is like. I told him what my girlfriend said and he said she will understand. Well the next day when I saw the little boy, I just said hello and kept walking. My girlfriend got very angry at me and told me that I should not talk to him. I told her what the man said and she told me if I talked to him she would not talk to me anymore. That hurt more than what the boy had said. The boy came up to me and asked me why I said hello to him after he was so mean to me. I told him what the man said minus the teach him thing. I told him I forgave him. He said thank you and I won't do it again. But my girlfriend was harder to convince. She did not talk to me for along time after that.

Now that I was in school, I started to see my cousins all the time. They lived near the school where my Nana used to live, with my Aunt and my uncle. My cousins lived with my other Aunt and Uncle and you could get to their house through the woods, as I mentioned before. I started to go over there to visit and play with them all the time. 

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